It's Not All Black and White

Friday, October 19, 2007

Calling Cathy M. and The Friday Funny

Cathy M. you left a comment for a RAK yesterday, but I have no way of getting hold of you. Email me your address, and I'll get your card out right away. Just click "Email Me" -----------> over there, under my picture. If I don't hear from you today, I'll choose another commenter. Thanks.

And now, on to your regularly scheduled Friday Funny:


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

9 comments:

Lauren (mytime) said...

OMG! HILARIOUS!! This must have been my divorce lawyer! LOL!

Claudette said...

Thank you for a great start of my day....laughter is good for the soul!...LOL

travelingmama said...

SO Funny!! Thanks for making me laugh!

Shel9999 said...

I just found your Friday Funnies last week...I look forward to them now! So entertaining!! Thanks so much for posting them!! :)

sophia landry said...

This is too funny, hard to believe that these questions were actually asked!

Julie Masse said...

So great Bethany!!! In my "other" life I worked with attorneys -these are not that hard to believe! :)

Tami McBeain (tmarie) said...

I'm lovin' your new "Friday Funny". These are hilarious, thanks for making me smile!

Vera Matson said...

Thanks for the laugh. These are hilarious!

Beth said...

Thanks, I needed that!!!!!!